a darkened room
soft breathing beside her
and she stares
a fixed point
willing herself to sleep
so weary
but so restless
trying not to jostle
but wanting to
crawl
out of her skin
focusing on a dot on the ceiling
reviewing:
her day/
her month/
her year/
her life
embarrassed by:
her own longanimity in her thankless job
for her faceless corporate overlords
slaving away for little pay
ridiculously thinking
effort and innovation
will be rewarded
instead of ignored
or pilfered
years of sending resumes
cover letters galore
interviews even
and always
in the end
it turns out
there is no escape
from this rut
her wheels spin
her mind spins out
embarrassed by:
her body
which betrays her
feeling so heavy that each step exhausts
though she knows when she exercises
she sleeps
and so, ends up less exhausted
but overwhelmed by the effort of beginning again
embarrassed by:
her mind
clever enough in its own way
but to what end
it only serves to make her
aware of her poor choices
aware of her failures
aware of her peers' success
aware of all the should haves and could haves
and didn'ts and couldn'ts
embarrassed by:
her hope
her optimism
her joy
all of which have fled in the face of this abyss
this black hole of a dot on the ceiling
sucking
sucking
sucking all but cynicism
and she stares
a fixed point
and the soft breathing beside her
mocks
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