Monday, July 20, 2015

longanimity

a darkened room
soft breathing beside her
and she stares

                                            a fixed point

willing herself to sleep
        so weary
                                  but so restless
trying not to jostle
but wanting to
crawl
out of her skin

focusing on a dot on the ceiling
reviewing:
her day/
her month/
her year/
her life

embarrassed by:
    her own longanimity in her thankless job
    for her faceless corporate overlords
    slaving away for little pay
         ridiculously thinking
              effort and innovation
                   will be rewarded
                        instead of ignored
                            or pilfered
     years of sending resumes
                  cover letters galore
                               interviews even
     and always
        in the end
           it turns out
               there is no escape
                   from this rut
                       her wheels spin
                                                       her mind spins out
embarrassed by:
     her body
          which betrays her
                  feeling so heavy that each step exhausts
                      though she knows when she exercises
                         she sleeps
                             and so, ends up less exhausted
                                  but overwhelmed by the effort of beginning again
embarrassed by:
      her mind
           clever enough in its own way
                but to what end
                     it only serves to make her
                                  aware of her poor choices
                                  aware of her failures
                                  aware of her peers' success
                                  aware of all the should haves and could haves
                                              and didn'ts and couldn'ts
                     
embarrassed by:
      her hope
         her optimism
            her joy
               all of which have fled in the face of this abyss
                    this black hole of a dot on the ceiling
                        sucking
                           sucking
                              sucking all but cynicism
                                
and she stares

a fixed point

and the soft breathing beside her
mocks

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