vaudeville

she puts on her smile
like pancake makeup
thick and obscuring
she memorized her lines
has self-deprecating jokes
at the ready
no vaudeville veteran
is more prepared than she
to face the hecklers
with a wink and a nod
and a silent curse
the stage set
the spotlight on
she enters the party alone
no longer a double-act
and begins

moot

I labored
under a presumption
that is true
a plausible premise
but built not
by me alone

bricks of
"I would never"
"we should next time"
"someday we can"
"one day we will"
were baked
and laid
and mortared
not by me

but the structure
rendered moot
abandoned now
like a half finished highway/
a bridge to nowhere/
a rainy day castle
made of lego
once the sun's come out -

yet desolately resolute
I break it down
to use each
segment, slab & stone
and build a shelter
of mine own

testimonial

like a late night infomercial testimonial

full of promise 

there was nothing it couldn't do

nowhere it couldn't go

it was (like everything in an infomercial) the stuff of legend

sold with sizzle and song

but buyer beware

there is no magic in the "magic" blender

no wisdom in your "smart" mop

nothing eggs-traordinary about your cooker

shipping will cost dearly

take forever 

and when it finally comes around 

the box may as well be empty

prevaricate

the biggest lie
we tell ourselves
is that the lies
we tell ourselves
hurt no one
but ourselves
when truthfully
we prevaricate
perilously
for we have
so oft repeated
our own
mendacious myths
that now they are
our truth
and so become
the world's truth
seen warped and wavy
through our lens
foggy with the
cataracts of self-doubt
and self-hate
and, rarer, self-love
our light
reflected in a funhouse mirror
and myopically focused
pinpointed through a prism
that refracts
a distracting rainbow
of revisionism
so that we
and the world
miss the larger picture
that would show
the dissonance
of our distortions
and wreck the
solid certainty
we repeat
I & I & I

sycophant

they are left 

or left feeling

like sycophants.

afraid to say no 

for if they say no

they know you will go,

exiled dissenters

or

servile asskissers. 

And I wonder, 

how are you 

served by either?

draconian

recess rebels
they reject
the tiny tyranny
of a draconian dictator
arms akimbo
they do not do
what Simon says
they will not
duck and dodge
or tether balls
today they do not
skip or swing
instead
supinely sprawled
they hold hands
and whisper
and paint dragons
on the sky

grog

after two small drinks
the curtain fell and
like drunken pirates
casks deep in grog
we stumbled through the
cool autumn streets
in a terrifying yet halcyon haze
thanking all the world
we had each other
and the wherewithall
to leave
clutching each other
and curious
easy prey
but for each other
blessed are the idiots
the naive, bumbling fools
that we were
(and perhaps still are)
safe in each other
with each other
for each other

cannibalize

the whole is less
than the sum of its parts
2+2=3
at least,
that's what they see
so rip and rend
pilfer and pillage
cannibalize
until we can't
be recognized
what does it matter

broken
and scrapped

in the end
to them
less valued,
worth more

ever the score

august

the summer smiles
in shining rays
upon our joyful
sacred days
a hallowed space
we here have made
on verdant hills
in dappled glade
an august church
of vaulting trees
a choir of
the humming bees
no stony walls
are needed by us
to sing together
in glorious chorus
we raise our voices
to the sky
the land, the wind
and you and I

Netiquette

the things we say

when no one knows 

who we are

is who we are

not etiquette 

before the queen

but netiquette 

behind the screen 

the mask reveals

the man beneath 

beholden

and i am beholden
to arms that hold me
and fill the hole
towards wholeness

exquisite agony
the rending of a heart
i sat cross-legged
on the cool tile floor
arms wrapped
in a solo hug
and rocked
snotty and sobbing
and certain
i could never
i would never
nothing ever
would be whole again

and i am beholden
to arms that hold me
and fill the hole
towards wholeness 

i nursed the emptiness
and cleansed it
hollowed out
an empty vessel
until you came
and poured
thick golden
honey-molasses hope
coating the sides
filling me up

and i am beholden
to arms that hold me
and fill the hole
towards wholeness 

obeisance

they clamor
and flutter
around him
black-clad
glamorous moths
beating their wings
in the warmth of his flame
showing obeisance
with offerings
drinks and drugs and swag and sex
and praises raised to the heavens
which he accepts or rejects
with the slightest of nods
as fancy takes him
this fancy-man
glowing with
his 15 minutes
and trembling beneath
in fear of the day
his cool facade
crumbles

exculpatory

she searched and scrutinized and sweated
every moment/detail/alibi/lie
mining for the exculpatory
something/anything
that might come to light
and save her

the world would see
what was convenient/easy/lazy
and not what she knew
in her heart to be true

no ill intent there harboured
just malcontent with her lot
and in bettering herself
she'd worsened her chances

called out
all the names
the ages had handed down
for women
with thoughts
"above their station"
harlot
witch
bitch
the world built a niche
and shoved you in it
and when you didn't fit...
she closed her eyes
and prayed, "acquit"

jog trot

around and around
we run the gamut
wearing out circles
in an incessant jog trot
steady with the
exhaustion
of the chased
who no longer
care if they're caught
but can't seem to stop
never realizing that
shadow behind us
is our own

refractory

It's all manufactured.
Affected outrage
just hot air,
but hot air
can burn
and blister
and bake.
Bellicose but brave,
buffeted by the storm,
facing into the wind
of their scandalized scorn;
refractory, we
refuse to be bowed
by withering looks
and fetid gusts
of foul rumor.
Staunch,
we stand together
and fight.
But the wind takes no notice.
You can't punch the wind.

shill

they shout and tout
proclaiming and declaiming
they shill for the grand
and the grands
and the tv ratings
and we are lost
adrift in a murky basin
of half-truths
dank and dripping
in their gobbledygook
sifting through the muck
for an honest moment

lodestone

an empty stage
hushed and darkened
the air above it
full of invention and possibility
a lodestone
for a ragtag
group of ragamuffins
a disparate mass of youth
and there we met
and there were friendships forged
and there we knew for once
that we were not alone

quaggy

a step
carefully placed
a word
carefully phrased
a pause
of Pinteresque proportions
this quaggy terra firma
full of terror
and not so firma
in uncharted territory
we fight
to find our footing
search for respite
on solid ground
but none is found
so onward we trek
avoiding the dreck
as best we can
but uncertain
we navigate
this morass
and doing so
find progress made
hand in hand
or not at all

contumely

eyes cast downward
daunted and humiliated
the contumely spewed forth
as the bullies drew near
her shield
the cover of a book
her comfort
its pages
the words on the paper
made whole in her head
blocked out the sound
of their jeers
her "peers"
and to other worlds
she'd disappear

kindred

i watch the news
and wonder, why?
i do not see my life
reflected there.
i walk the streets,
so crowded i must
dart and weave
through thronging masses
and i feel annoyed
and peevish
and feel my failings.


i should care for all of them.
i should care for all the world.
and in a vague, amorphous way
it's true.
doggedly and dutifully
exhausted and exhaustively
i do.


and then there's you.


from the first smile
i knew
a kindred spirit found
a whimsy shared
an analogous point of view
and when the world
wears me down
when the pap and pablum
weary me so
that i do not know
how to even start the day...

you text me just to say, "hey"
and i find that it's okay.
in my automatic smile
it's true.
in a reverie of cardigans and kisses
i find my faith in the world renewed.
i do.

 

zydeco

faded leather
on crumbled cobbles
she wanders
hips swaying
to the zydeco beats
as sultry sunlight
dances in the narrow streets
the air peppered with chicory
and memory
a shimmer of breeze
on caramel skin
as he leaned in to whisper
"je ne regrette rien"
and she shivers
in the sticky heat
drawn back in
to yesterdays

multifarious

the world keeps getting smaller
though distance remains great
and dauntless ones
traverse its varied realms
intrepid explorers
on multifarious quests
with windmills to tilt at
and mountains to climb
and oceans to sail
and swim
each new day
a journey for those
with the right eyes
each new interaction
a meeting of a mysterious
and mythical peoples
though those
with the wrong eyes
can only see
the commute
your ocean voyage -
a ferry ride,
the Orient Express -
just the D train,
and the markets of Marrakesh -
only a Starbucks.

Pseudonym

Clandestine 

Covert

You elude detection 

Your ruse for defection 

A clever attraction 

Full of distraction 

With slight of hand 

And pseudonym 

You mislead 

By intrigues 

And leave

As mysterious

As you came

Abstain

The train rattles

and shakes

Background noise 

to the couple

In the corner

In noisy refrain 

airing their dirty laundry

And we transitters

Strangers in 

Empathetic Embarrassment 

Share a subdued smile

And wish they would abstain

From what is clearly 

Common practice.

euphemism

our story
burgeoning
beautiful repartee
swaddled in
delicious euphemism
behatted in
metaphorical millinery
a verbal
pas de deux
in fancy dress
from hellos
to whoas
to ohs

titanic

moments magnified
world a'swirl
tumbling and crumbling
and i never even
knew you
at all
our instant kinship
and years of friendship
discarded
with no preamble
and i've racked my brain
for a catalyst
a thing i missed
but no error so titanic
that wholesale destruction,
the sinking of
so grand an enterprise
as we were,
could be warranted
that i can find
and i cannot lie
i mind
it bothers me
it niggles
even now
years later
when repair
or reparations are
impossible
were we even
accidentally to meet
for i still twinge
at your memory

like an old scar
it itches

hermitage

the city swirls around me
glorious chaos
in clangs and whistles
alarms and bells
it sings its
punk rock anthems
and inwardly I dance
yet still remains a longing
for cool breezes
and quietude
a lullaby
remote and serene
I would go there
if I could
a hermitage
apart
aloof
a pendulum swing
from this
for just a little bit
before the chorus

infrangible

they longed for the shiny
so dismally distractable
and obdurately fickle
impracticably intractable

my questionable choices
those diffident starts
incongruous partners
with infrangible hearts

yet my heart kept breaking
until it was dust
a jagged old tin can
in rain left to rust

i entreat and cajole
and beg providence
that this time be different
my fears to dispense

attempt and endeavor
to muster up hope
yet wonder if hoping
just makes me a dope

the scene still familiar
though the actors are changed
will this mean the outcome
might be rearranged

or am i a fractal
repeating repeating
to end up repenting
to end up retreating

to begin afresh frightens
for love is capricious
disenchantment pervasive
and ardor suspicious

there is no forecasting
no augury viable
i simply must live it
though life's unreliable

doppelgänger

I catch a glimpse,
the back of her head ahead of me.
I've been told about her before.
She glides though life
with ease and grace,
quicker to laugh
and fairer of face.
She is me,
just a little bit better,
a little bit thinner
yet fuller of sweater.
More easily liked,
her feet stride confidently
above the earth,
whereas mine get stuck
in mud...or my mouth
with a twist of phrase or ankle.
My doppelgänger,
she is beloved
and never left,
she does the leaving
but never leaves them grieving.
She needs no one
and so, has everyone.
I see her head ahead of me
and hate her,
just a little bit. 

brusque

it came in
like a tidal wave
overwhelming all before it
drowning all doubt
submerging all fear
throwing all order asunder
once ebullient and effusive
now bluntly brusque
the tide has turned
rushing back to sea
leaving confusion
in its wake
nature's force
deployed and recalled
and I sit on the shore
and hope
awaiting the next high tide

skulduggery

we roamed the night like ninjas
whispers in the dark
shadows cloaked
in mist and mysticism
no skulduggery or dark deeds
just blending into the background
a fading and hiding
as we fall away from the world
invisible
to all except each other
a feral pack of cats
stalking the city streets
in Doc Martins
dodging into alleys
after curfew