nadir

i fell
it's true
i fell
and felled
kept falling and falling
after the ground was pulled out from under me
i no longer knew who or how to be

i got used to the fall
like Alice
reading the writing on the wall
passing the time with wondering
six impossible things unneeded
just the one would do
until i hit bottom

finally knew
my nadir reached
sanity, just barely, unimpeached
nearly Havishamed
so confused
by all the nevers ever said
all the ways the always were waylaid

i dusted myself off
sans cobweb cake
floated back to the world again
in a balloon from a kindly Kansan
on the back of a luckdragon
through the universe in a Heart of Gold
on the wings of Gwaihir
i grew bold

i never mean to disappear in there
but this is an always that is always true

it took
the pages of a book
to bring me back to me
after yet another perfidy

yes, all it took
was a book
to rid me of my blue
to rid me of you

attenuate

quality trumps quantity
and social scopes
narrow over time
age attenuates our tribes
of those who care but little
and I cannot regret
the whittling away
of fair weather friends
through heartaches
and hardships
for i've been blessed
with the best
who are amazing and astound
when chips are down
who pick me up
when i fall to ground
who save me when
by life near drowned
the greatest group
that can be found
and I'm the luckiest girl around

licit

i've colored inside the lines, left queues unskipped
showed up on time, rude quips left unquipped
my ducks lined up in a row like dominoes
angles right but wrong
following rules keeps me,
it seems, from getting along
i could not be more licit if i tried
but the rules the world has made
are misapplied
when recognized at all
more fool me
strung up in red tape
good graces erased
by those who strip the golden rule for parts
melt it down to pawn for pennies on the dollar
what care they who cheat and steal for etiquette
ignoring conscience is how they benefit

crackerjack

a million meticulous minds
brightest and best
no less would I expect
but not limitless
a crackerjack team
detectoring forever
still could not
make head nor tails
of your betrayals
the monumental missteps
of a vote led
by neither heart nor head
ego fed by id
still cannot explain
what you did

jactitation

beginning leaves me
spinning once again
anticipation jactitation
butterflies fluttering
with every word sputtering
hope a drug
for which I'm jonesing
antidote to despair
letting yourself care
enjoy the jitters
twitterpated
the only sure losers
are quitters

extirpate

into dusty desert
under a giant sky
i see in 360
from horizon
to horizon
my surgery
antiseptic sunshine
the breezes
suture and stitch
the hopes sterilize
seal myself for healing
extirpate the bits
you infected
with devastating doubt
cut them out
evaporate
like sorrow in the sun
as after the removal
of an appendix unneeded
i go on

hermetic

temptation great to
resign from these times
and live a life hermetic
from politics chaotic
and massacres traumatic
corporations diabolic
populous apathetic
to leadership shambolic

I picture it
a farmhouse down
a forest track
self-sufficient
and no looking back
a paradise for two
away from all the bullshit
just me and you

genius

manipulate the world like clay
try to make what could be
from what is
no wonder then so oft
that genius linked to madness
for who would not
be brought to the brink
having seen utopia in a blink
then flashed back and felt compelled
to build a bridge across the abyss
who would not despair
at the multitudes who see the gap
and jeer "do not bother,
you'll never get from here to there.
you cannot walk on air."

feign

Pyrrhic victory
without peer
paint my face
with nonchalance
the makeup
of indifference
feign aloofness
to maintain balance
masking
my amore
my armor
I fell for you
but you fell for it
my facade
foolishly
I hid my fear
in the ferocity
of false impassivity
until frustrated by
faked unflappability
you fled

inchoate

steadfast in stupidity
clinging to inchoate conclusions
hoping to make reality
of delusions
by force of will alone
but winding back the clock
doesn't change the time
disingenuous in belief
ignoring the grief
of those
who by your inaction,
coercion or cowardice
are left still weeping
or soon to weep
you take the money
and break the promise
you made to keep
Justice, Tranquility
and general Welfare
lost to greed and warfare
and motivated by fear
not for your safety
but losing your seat
at a table you've made obsolete

heliolatry

rubbed with unguents of coconuts
in bikini-clad vestments
daiquiri sacraments drunk
heliolatry hidden as hedonism
positioned supine in supplication
new baptized in the light
of summer's sultry days
the congregation gathers

dolorous

I know the bog
the quicksand
of dolorous decay
clinging to my toes
as it drags me
down below
the terror that
each rope is a rattler
each log a crocodile
that happiness is lost forever
gone somewhere
with my smile
but in the end
I'm buoyant
my heart not so heavy
so as to sink
it's never easy
to save yourself
from sadness
but you can
if you change
how you think

kvell

to walk tall through the darkness
come out the other side
I kvell to bursting
so full I am of pride
that you, a lone rock standing
hold fierce against the tide
I can only aspire
so true you are when tried
a beacon bright with hope
to all who are allied

benign

in days overwrought
painted with bigotry and hate
it becomes so easy to equate
the benign with the banal
thoughts and prayers
kind but underwhelming
no action by authority
those lacking
both courage and conviction
they couch their cowardice
in diction devout
or spout the rhetoric of fear
forgetting the tenets
they claim to hold dear
the gyre widens indeed
as we, the body politic, have become
the rough beast slouching

MacGuffin

we do not write ourselves

we do not know the lines

we come on blind

are we a prop?

are we the gun 

that must go off

or the MacGuffin

to set the stage

with no payoff

until the final curtain falls

we live out lives

within these walls

unaware of our place

within it all

verdure

in the desert lies
a hidden valley
behind a red rock mountain
a pool
fed by the memory
of snow
a pocket of verdure
where lazy lizards
bask in coolness
and deer find succor
there you will find me
washing away
my sin and sweat
before braving
the blazing heat
of a life
in the unforgiving sun

obtuse

all too often
I think I have
the right angle
when in truth
obtuse
lost in the geometry
seeing patterns
in disparate pieces
convinced of collusion
a delusion
of order
comfort in chaos

tocsin

so loudly singing your praises
I could not hear the tocsin sound
and even had I
my brakes were broke
so smashed I into disrepute
desolate deshabille
until one, he
picked me up
put me back together
not caring whether
all the parts still worked
and though I can only
move forward in spurts
onward we march

quaff

nature's majesty surrounds
and you are lost
in the mystery that abounds
the rabbit hops past
inquisitive
the buck, new antlered
ignores
you, a visitor,
no cause for pause
the rocks immobile
as your frenetic mind
learns, like them, to accept
the passage of time
stoically
quaff deeply this heady brew
the sun, the sky, the world
at peace in you

renovate

Fire set

My Anger

A Controlled burn

Clearing out 

The undergrowth 

Gone the old bracken

That chokes new growth 

Better to renovate thus

Than subject to 

The wildfire's ravages be

semelparous

a whole life spent
beauty subdued
closed tight
against the world's
prying eyes
predators that would
peel back
her petals
too soon
semelparous flower
she waits
for one
worthy of
her bloom

passel

on this roller coaster
this rickety rambling
created confection
concoction of anticipation
and reflection
passels of passengers
pass me by
waiting in line to ride
squeamish or eager
until giddy or aghast
strapped in at last
eyes open or shut
with the clickity-clack
we creep upward
race downward
towards an end
of someone else's design

ululate

catching at you
with long thin fingers
it wraps around your throat
tears/shreds/rends your skin
sets every hair on edge
sends teeth gnashing and grinding
jaw cracking
the wail of your loved
who weeps & ululates
inconsolable
for another

nescience

in the rhetoric that rises
like heat shimmering
some see their oasis
and march to it
some see the mirage
and march through it
and some bury their heads
in the sand
to choke on granules
of nescience and silica

welter

buoyant no more
flotsam from a hurricane of humours
waterlogged, i welter in the whimsical
vertiginous vagaries send me sinking
my forced frivolity cannot float me
still i drown in inconsequence
caught in your net of nonchalance
and dragged downward
by your persistent
insistence of insouciance

lucid

i was lost in the fog
the hazy malaise
obscuring my vision
muddling my mind
unable to find
the path at my feet
couldn't move forward
neither retreat
until you blew through
the wind off the ocean
briny and brisk
lucid and light
you banished the blur
made everything clear
so finally I can get
to there from here

ablution

rest me here awhile
beneath heaven's tears
my involuntary ablution
washing away the weariness
of muggy, stagnant memory
releasing me in
the sudden coolness
of rainy summer afternoon

jubilate

anticipation begets frustration
and falling follows pride
you just can't win for losing
when I am on your side
for oft too soon I jubilate
before the score is in
my personal fiascos
on a par with Dewey Wins
but ever optimistic
still I cheerfully go forth
jaded with being jaded
joy is my true north
navigate the world
doggedly and with a smile
we all end up in the ground
might as well enjoy ourselves a while

cadence

to find the rhythm that is your own
you must at times walk alone
and those that race from here to there
defined only when half a pair
never find a steady beat
in the cadence of their feet
they moderate their step always
so others measure out their days
and maybe they are happy so
but now I search for my tempo
at others' pace, I've tripped and stumbled
fallen down and been left quite humbled
so this time stroll at my own speed
no one to follow, no one to lead
keep my own time until I find one
who neither slows nor makes me run
somewhere, I'm sure there's one whose stride
will with my own gait coincide

exemplary

hopeful smile reflected
in the perfect shine of shoe
shirt tuck and tie knot
boater hat barely askew
perfect prefect
exemplary in all
model of schoolboy days
now lost in haze of memory
like the smoke of vice
the fall from grace
stolen cigarette snuck
behind the bike sheds
grey day camaraderie
with long forgotten fellows